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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex?
Sarah asks: "I have been dating a great guy for a little over 5 months. We are both in our 20's. He has a very demanding job and is extremely busy, while I am a college student with a much more flexible schedule. Our sex life has always been great - we have awesome bedroom chemistry, and it has always been an enjoyable, zesty enterprise for us both. However, he decided to stop drinking for a month - he felt like he was doing it too much. He has lost all interest in sex - we haven't done it in about a month. He says it is because his emotions and thoughts are all changing and becoming clearer because he has stopped drinking. Also, he is on antidepressants, and I have read that they can decrease libido. He is still very affectionate - we cuddle every night we are together, hold hands and kiss. I asked him if I had put on weight or anything since we started dating, and he insists that I have nothing to do with his lack of libido. Does this seem plausible? If this is a temporary thing, it is definitely worth it for me to wait it out and be patient and give him time, because he is a great person. I just want to know if the reasons he gave me for this seem legitimate. How long is too long without sex, especially in a new-ish relationship between young people?"
Read more... How Long Is Too Long Without Sex? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, March 14th, 2010 at 17:42:58. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Why Date?
When dating someone new, what's your primary motivation?
I read a quick clip in Bernice Kanner's book, Are You Normal? that shared the majority of men (42%) and women (51%) date to 'establish a relationship', whereas 33% of men and 29% of women date to 'have a good time'.
I couldn't find the origin of the statistics quoted unfortunately, but I'm still looking. Since the book was published in 2004, I'm assuming the research is a bit dated now - so now I'm even more curious as to what the point of dating is for people today. Take the poll and let me know - why do you date?
Why Date? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, March 12th, 2010 at 17:12:52. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Several Dating Sites Get Purchased
I'm not sure how these purchases will filter down to its user bases, but there were some major deals brokered in the online dating world recently. Match.com purchased SinglesNet, and private equity firm Great Hill Partners LLC has made an offer to buy Spark Networks (who owns a myriad of sites including SingleParentsMingle, and American Singles).
For those of you who belong to one of these dating sites, are you worried that the services you've gotten used to will change, or are you happy and hopeful it will lead to a better online dating experience?
More information:
Several Dating Sites Get Purchased originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 at 21:37:52. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Is What I Find Attractive Weird?
Becca asks: "While we were at the mall, a girlfriend of mine asked me if I found guys with hair on their chests attractive. I said no because I grew up swimming competitively, so I'm not used to seeing guys with hair on their chests. But I love it when a guy smells like chlorine (again, the swimming thing) and said so. My friend looked at me like I was crazy so I stopped talking. Is what I find attractive really that weird?"
No Becca, that's not weird at all. We've all got something unusual that we can appreciate, just like we all have something unusual to offer. For me, its men with goatees. I realize that few women appreciate a man with facial hair, but for me, goatees are one of the easiest ways to get my attention.
I wouldn't worry too much about what your friend thinks regarding what you find attractive. She's likely to have something in her personal list that drives her wild but makes you go 'ick' in response too. In the grand scheme of life, if what you find attractive doesn't hurt you/someone else or break any laws, I see no harm in finding things out of the ordinary attractive. In fact, I think its a good thing - because if we all appreciated the same things, life would be pretty boring.
But what about you? What do you find attractive that might not be considered normal? Is What I Find Attractive Weird? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, March 7th, 2010 at 01:41:39. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Dating Question About Older Men, Younger Women
Chloe asks: "I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 31. He's ready to start a family with me, but I feel like I'm too young to even start thinking about having kids. I'm flattered that he wants me as the mother of his children but the thought scares me too. He's the only guy I've ever dated, and I really care about him a lot. How do I tell him I'm not ready for kids without him breaking up with me over it?"
What concerns me most about your question Chloe is the older man aspect of your equation. You probably already know, but dating someone who is thirteen years older than you at this stage of your life is a challenge at the best of times. He's ready to settle down and you aren't. He's already learned how to be independent and live as an adult, whereas you're just getting started - and may still be finishing high school. Basically, your goals and aspirations aren't going to jive with your boyfriends'.
This might be difficult to hear, and I realize its not what you're asking, but you need to tell him that you're not ready to have kids yet and prepare yourself for the relationship ending because of it. This isn't your time to start a family, and from what you've said, that won't change anytime soon. If he's dead set on having kids ASAP, then it might be best for both of you if things ended now.
Related: Relationship Expectations, Will Our Relationship Last Quiz, Communication Skills Quiz for Couples, Should We Take This Relationship To The Next Level or End It? Dating Question About Older Men, Younger Women originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, February 28th, 2010 at 00:10:44. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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What Was Your Best Date Ever?
Have you ever had a date that you knew you'd never forget, no matter what happened with the relationship? One that took your breath away, one that made you giggle, or one that just plain made you feel great?
I've heard some dating disaster doozies, and a lot of love stories that made my heart swell. But what I'm after are those dates that will go down in your personal history as one of the best dates of all time - and I'd love to know why said date was so amazing. Did you share great chemistry, or did the words just flow like with no one else? Was it a first date, or was it with someone you'd been dating for years? Were any intimacies exchanged, or was it more lighthearted and and carefree? Did you share your first kiss on the date, or did you do something else - or nothing at all?
I'd like to collect a huge database of the best dates ever, so that other singles and dating couples can read through the list, get inspired, try some of the great date ideas themselves, and report back how their amazing date fared. So don't be shy and share your good date stories - and maybe even win the reader story of the week. What Was Your Best Date Ever? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 at 02:06:51. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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He Tells Me What I'm 'Doing Wrong' Well After I Do It. What Now?
Issa asks: "I've been dating a gentleman for about 6 weeks now (6 dates...1 per weekend). Major bump in the relationship this weekend. While driving me home, he asked me what I wanted from a relationship and I said someone kind and respectful. Up until just a few days ago, he had been very respectful, but it seems like everything has changed now and I'm very, very confused. I said I liked relaxing together and sitting on the porch and just being comfortable. I then asked him what he wanted and, all of a sudden, I get a list of about four things that I'm doing wrong or things he doesn't like. And, three of them began with, well "Julie" used to do this (of course, that is the previous girlfriend). One of the things he listed is what my question is about.
Theirs had been a long distance relationship and I guess she always drove to see him. Out of the 6 dates, he's driven 5 of those times, but I had no idea he minded this. He said that wasn't really fair to him. My question is, are women supposed to drive half of the time?
The history is I'm in my 40s, a new school teacher (3rd year) and have been divorced for 2 1/2 years after being married for 18. He is a manager at a bank. He has never been married and told me that he dated a woman for 14 years, but only saw her maybe every couple of months. He also said that he likes a clean house (I do have quite a bit of clutter) and even said negative things about his sister's house being dirty. We met at a Panera shop once and when it was time to leave, I had kissed his neck and ear. He told me tonight that he does not really like public displays of affection (even though he said he liked it when it was happening). Is the woman really supposed to drive half of the time? I just feel really weird about everything that has happened with this gentleman this evening ."
Hi Issa. I'd drop this guy like a hot potato if I were you. Not only is he telling you after the fact what he likes and dislikes, he's giving you several large red flags all at once: he mostly dates women casually (seeing them once every couple of months for years on end), doesn't commit, and sees women only as providers to him, catering to his every need - not a two way street. Sure, differences in opinion regarding PDAs and cleanliness are potential issues. At the very least they are discussion points, ways to see if you're on the same page, and an opportunity to connect with one another. In my opinion, the two of you aren't connecting, nor are you wanting the same things.
I realize I haven't addressed your main question - should women drive half the time - because to me the question is moot. I don't think that you driving half the time is the issue. But so that I don't look like I'm not answering your question? I think it depends on the relationship. I've never heard of who drives where being an issue (in several thousand dating questions received throughout the years) unless it was a long distance relationship. In that case, its polite to switch things up and take turns, but finances and family commitments can take precedence. In my experience, people who live close to one another rarely have this discussion; folks usually want to see each other however they can in the early stages of a relationship, so who drives whom rarely comes up (again, unless there are kids and/or one person makes a lot more money than the other).
I'd let the gent know kindly and quickly that things aren't working out for you and move on. After six dates I don't feel that you need to do this in person, and frankly I wouldn't recommend it. My hunch is that a respectful response won't be forthcoming, based on what you've shared already. So the next time he calls, let him know you're busy and think it would be best if the two of you didn't see each other anymore. And if he doesn't call again? Problem solved. He Tells Me What I'm 'Doing Wrong' Well After I Do It. What Now? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, February 21st, 2010 at 12:50:55. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Why Can't I Create Chemistry?
In the dating forums, HaroldHeart asks: "I've been dating a number of women that I've met through on-line dating sites like Match.com. Everything seems to be going right, we talk, we laugh, we seem to get along well. Then suddenly they break it off (after the 2nd or 3rd date) because there isn't 'chemistry'. This is enormously frustrating for me, because I generally like these women a lot. How can I create 'chemistry?' "
Harold, I want to tread lightly here. Even from your first few words in the forum I got the impression that your self esteem was in a fragile place. It didn't take too long for you to share with the other forum members that you had contemplated suicide after a woman with whom you'd had three dates with told you it was over.
So before we go any further - can I first say: please, PLEASE speak with a mental health professional about your feelings as soon as possible, even if you currently are not feeling suicidal. It isn't a normal state of affairs for anyone to feel that down in the dumps after only a few dates, and when it happens repeatedly, its a difficult headspace to climb out of. As much as I'd like to assist here, there is only so much I can do via a forum or blog. About.com's Guide to Depression has a great list of resources for suicide prevention if you require a starting point. Once you've had a few sessions under your belt with a trained therapist, I hope you come back to read the rest of what I have to share here.
So how can you create chemistry? Its a double edged sword really: on one hand its impossible to click with everyone, but on the other there are things you can do to increase your chances. Success in creating chemistry is combining the two ideas and mixing them into something that works just for you.
Let's start with the first aspect: the 'click' factor. When a woman tells you she's not feeling any chemistry after the first few dates, its not because she isn't attracted to you. Few women will go out with a man they find unattractive, much less for 2 or 3 dates in a row. No, what they are referring to is the lack of 'pull' - that magical little oh-wow-he-makes-me-feel-something-nice-when-I-look-into-his-eyes sorta thing. If they (or you) don't even have a glimmer by date two or three? Well, then its time to move on.
Yet from your forum post you're saying that the pull has been there for you - going so far as to call some of the women 'perfect', yet your feelings weren't reciprocated. Why not?
My guess is that there is an element of neediness coming off in your interactions with women. "I need her to be perfect," or, "I need her to be The One," or, "I'm tired of dating and need her to make me feel good about myself again," or... well you get the jist. This kind of neediness comes out loud and clear to women, and the more you give her in the way of personal information, affection or praise, the worse it seems. Oddly, this isn't a bad thing a few months or even a year into a long term relationship, but early on it spells a quick end.
The next aspect then is how to 'pull' women towards you, and the best way I can explain this is by going back to the comment about self esteem I made earlier: you need to feel good about you. Confidence is attractive, and when you feel in control of your emotions, you don't feel the need to share everything with someone right away in the hopes that they'll 'like' you. Instead, you are sitting back and enjoying their company, getting to know them better and determining if they would be a good fit in your life. By doing this, you 'pull' women to you, almost effortlessly. It is a concept universal to most dating how-to's, even ones that seem like complete opposites - like Neil Strauss' The Rules Of The Game and Arielle Ford's The The Soulmate Secret. Both espouse self confidence and drawing people to you to find whatever it is you are looking for, although their tactics differ greatly.
But what about you, dear reader? What do you think Harold can do to create chemistry? Do you think its possible, or does he just need to wait until the right woman comes into his life?
Related: Test Your Chemistry, Low Self Esteem in Dating Relationships, Relationship Expectations, The Rules of Dating. Why Can't I Create Chemistry? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, February 15th, 2010 at 03:27:43. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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