Dating and Relationships

Reader Question About Dating Your Best Friend

A gent who asked me to refer to him as "stricken" has written in asking for some advice about how he can turn a platonic relationship with his best friend's friends with benefits into a dating relationship for himself. Or in other words, he's looking to ask out the woman who his best friend has been intimate with for the past year.

Stricken says: "My best friend for many years has a friend with benefits he has been seeing for a little under a year now. He met her through a mutual friend and they drunkenly hooked up one night and continued the trend to this day. From the day I met this girl I have been crazy about her. Seeing her has been few and far between but when I do it makes my week. She's gorgeous, funny, amazing personality, basically the whole package. Today me, this girl, my friend and another mutual friend spent the day together and me and this girl and I really hit it off. She completely ignored my friend and spend the entire day flirting and joking with me. When we split off she called me and we spent about 3 hours talking on the phone. I'm completely convinced she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. Now my best friend was recently talking to me about seeing if he could actually date this girl or not and my advice on it. I am a loyal friend and don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship but I als can't get this girl out of my head. Do I just forget about her because there is no way of making this transition? The only thing I can think of that would make this work is if I can get him to date someone else soon and then I could move in on this girl. Any other ideas?

So readers, what advice do you have for Stricken?

Reader Question About Emotionless Love Making

A reader has a touchy question about making love with his girlfriend of seven months, and has asked me to post his question here in the hopes that one of you can shed some light on his challenging situation.

In a nutshell, he's frustrated because he feels his girlfriend is "very emotionless and unresponsive" when they are in bed together. He says: "She has never even kissed or touched me sexually in the whole time we have been together and lies there with her arms defensively clamped across her chest looking awkward and uninterested. She tells me she loves me, and I believe she does, but as hard as I have tried to improve our relationship and resolve this problem she does not seem to be willing to help herself to get over whatever it is holding her back. She has told me that there is no particular reason other than not knowing how to express herself and she feels she has made progress in the last 7 months. I try to encourage and support this but inside I am upset that this has only progressed as far as her initiating a cuddle in bed. This is not satisfying my needs that have been neglected since we have been together. I have always had a very high sex drive and thrive on passion but her lack of enthusiasm is affecting my drive, confidence and sexual attractiveness towards her. I have tried to look beyond sex and sacrifice it for the sake of us having a lot in common but this fundamental part of any relationship is causing me to start to distance myself and has led to arguments between us, doubts in my mind and suspicions in hers.

As much as I love her I have a feeling that she will never be able to offer me what I need if she doesn't start making changes and the neglect is starting to make me wonder if I should split from her before I begin to seek my needs elsewhere. I fear that separating from her may emotionally scar her further however."

My take is that Shaun's girlfriend needs to speak with a counselor about what is holding her back. Perhaps she wasn't ready to have sex (Shaun doesn't state how old the two of them are), maybe she has intimacy issues, or perhaps she's even been sexually abused. But no matter what the reason, it is impairing their relationship with one another and needs to be addressed ASAP. I'd advise Shaun to have a heart to heart with his girlfriend in a non-threatening place that isn't sexually charged (i.e. not the bedroom) about what's going on, and suggest maybe she seek some professional assistance. If he's really wanting to make things work, he might even suggest they go together.

But readers, what do you think? What advice do you have for Shaun?

Related: How To Talk To Your Partner About Sexual Concerns, What To Do About Silent Sex With Your Partner, When Your Partner Is A Survivor of Sexual Abuse.

Beer Goggles Last Longer For Men Than For Women

Unusual findings from a Brazillian research study last year confirmed what many of us already know: alcohol affects how attractive we view members of the opposite sex, and more alcohol we injest, the more attractive we find other people. But this phenomena seems to effect men more, and longer.

The researchers used facial symmetry to determine how attractive the men found their female partners, and easily determined that more alcohol equaled less ability to determine symmetry. This would explain why men will pick up women they normally wouldn't find attractive when drinking with friends in a bar.

But another study undertaken also in 2008 found that the beer goggle effect wore off with female drinkers by the morning after, whereas men were still seeing their partners from the night before - and any person of the opposite sex - in a more favorable light.

_{Source: Svoboda, Elizabeth. 2009. "HER BODY ON BOOZE." Men's Health (10544836) 24, no. 4: 104-106. Consumer Health Complete - EBSCOhost, EBSCOhost (accessed June 25, 2009).}

Reader Question - She Can't Stop Lying. What Do I Do?

Fred asks: I'm 32, and I've been dating the same woman for the past two years. I love her, I think she's incredible, but I'm just learning now she's a pathological liar. For instance? She has a twelve-year-old daughter, but I've never heard of the child until recently. She's also told me she was raped, but that turned out to be a lie too. I really do care for this woman, but I'm confused and don't know what to do. Help?

So dear readers, do you have any suggestions for this gentleman who is torn between the truth and his partnership?

What Makes a Woman Sexy?

An article in this month's Women's Health (Buy Direct) discusses the male viewpoint of what makes a woman sexy. In a nutshell? Its all about the moments where women don't go out of their way to be sexy but rather when they just are. Driving barefoot, doing yoga and accidentally showing some skin while leaning over were all mentioned.

Interestingly, the men that took part in the survey that the article was based on stated that (what they saw as) forcing sexiness was a turn off. So high heels are great, but not if you're obviously uncomfortable wearing them. Too much makeup, jewelry or skin showing were also mentioned as being not so sexy.

But what about you? What do you think makes a woman sexy? Why?

_{Reference: "SEXY BY ACCIDENT." Women's Health (08847355) 6, no. 5 (June 2009): 76-76. Consumer Health Complete - EBSCOhost, EBSCOhost (accessed June 23, 2009)}

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

There haven't been a lot of studies performed about the love at first sight phenomena , but countless books have been written on the subject, and I oftentimes feel surrounded by couples who feel their unions were decided upon exceptionally early into their relationships. eHarmony commercials tout married folks who openly state they "just knew" when they met that they'd get married, Arielle Ford's The Soulmate Secret pretty much relies on the concept to sell its premise, and one of my siblings recently celebrated her eighth year anniversary with the man she married three months after their first date.

As for me? I'd like to think that love at first sight is possible. There is an innate romanticism attached to the thought of meeting someone and having them hitting enough emotional triggers immediately to just know. Now, Have I ever had it happen? Not the love bit, but I've met three folks over a span of twenty years where I just knew they'd be a huge part of my evolution as a person; I just wasn't sure how initially. One became a great friend, another a very emotionally charged but short lived relationship (although we still stay in touch), and one recent, and still playing out. Not one have told I love them, although admittedly love all three very much. And thus, in my head, no love at first sight for me. A strong hunch, and a driving need to get to know someone better? Definitely.

But what about you? Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not?

Are There Fake Members Over at Match.com?

A former Match.com member is suing the dating site for allegedly filling its database with members who are no longer active, or members who were never members in the first place. Sean McGee, the man suing Match.com, says that each time a user is charged the monthly fee, it constitutes fraud - since the folks one is paying to contact aren't able to be contacted anyway. McGee hopes the case will become a class action lawsuit.

Match.com feels the case is unsubstantiated.

More About Match.com: Match.com Profile, Match.com Dating Site Review, Mobile Match Review (Match.com's cellular dating service), Down To Earth Dating Site Review (Match.com's free dating site).

_{Source: Dallas Based Match.com Accused of Misleading Customers}

Facebooking The Ex

A friend of mine asked me the other day if it was 'normal' for ex's to request my friendship over at Facebook. As in, did I have any ex's on Facebook, and how did I feel when they befriended me?

Interesting question, as I see this coming up in dating chats more often than even a year ago. It also was timely for me personally, as I also had an ex add me to Facebook recently - one that gave me pause, as we hadn't dated (or spoken) in over 15 years.

So why would an ex add you to Facebook? Depending on the length of time its been since you've broken up, it might be innocuous: maybe they found you through a mutual friend and were curious to see how you're doing. Or, they could be wistful about the past hoping maybe you'll reconnect, similarly to why many folks attend reunions. There also might be an apology in the works or an attempt to gain some closure. But like many of us (my friend included) the fear is that the ex is either trying to keep dibs or employing some sort of online stalkerish-type behavior. In my case the ex was wanting to make amends, but my friend is still pondering the intelligence of adding his ex to his friends list.

In a world where most people can easily find each other online with some basic information, its not a stretch to think that a select few will abuse technology in this fashion. Just like Googling your date is the norm now in certain age brackets, connecting with people from your past via social networking sites is also standard fare.

I suggested to my friend that he review the former Teen Advice Guide's article about Staying Safe on Facebook, as my friends' current Facebook profile is wide open for all to view. Perhaps a bit too much information, considering. Yet at the same time, why be paranoid about someone you've dated? That was the stance I took, and readily accepted my former date into my circle of Facebook friends. But I didn't give him full access to my profile; that was my caveat.

How about you? Would you befriend an ex on Facebook? Why or why not? And if an ex tried to add you to their friends list, would you allow the connection?