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Why Won't He Date Me - Dating Question
Sandboxes asks, "I am 47, "Bob" is 39. We connected using 'Are You Interested' on Facebook and he added me as a friend. Then it turned out we have a mutual friend in his brother-in-law. I told Bob I am attracted to him and would like to meet for a coffee. Bob says he doesn't "see a match".
Two weeks ago Bob abruptly announced he just started dating someone and "it's serious". Despite this, Bob told me in the past he's too shy to approach women and he waits for them to ask him out. From what I can see of his profile, Bob is a serial dater and has children from two previous relationships. He just seems to be lost without a woman in his life and he frequently adds new women he meets on "Are You Interested".
My question: What is Bob's problem? I've told him I'm interested. He knows what I look like. He knows my background, schooling, etc. His brother-in-law has met me, knows my reputation, and in fact told me that Bob was talking about me at a family get-together recently. But Bob would rather date other women. Are all men this confusing, with mixed messages and rules that only they know?"
Sandboxes, I'm going to be blunt: Bob doesn't have a problem. You do. Why are you investing so much time and energy into a man who, by your own admission, isn't dateable nor interested? He made it clear from the start when you asked him out that he didn't see a match. How is that playing by dating rules only he knows? Sure, the rejection hurts. Yet he was honest, and I've lost count of the women who have told me throughout the years, "Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?"
Well, Bob did, but you didn't want to hear it. So what's a guy supposed to do? He's in a serious relationship now. Leave him alone, stop using Facebook to check his status, and stop analyzing why he's doing whatever he's doing. In Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot wisely suggests that each time you think of an ex (in this case, a man you're attached to that hasn't reciprocated) you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter." Because really, he doesn't matter. You do.
Its time to start prioritizing your needs, not some man's that you barely know. Break your bad love habits, and find some new ways to feel good. After a few weeks, you'll forget completely about Bob and will have a better relationship with yourself to offer someone new.
Related: Relationship Expectations, Am I Ready To Date Again?, Dealing with Unfinished Business, When Not To Date. Why Won't He Date Me - Dating Question originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, July 28th, 2010 at 14:22:02. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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What Does 'Taking a Break' Mean?
The Meetcha Live blog talked about divorce being catchy earlier in the month (see: Have you caught the divorce bug?) but I hear more about 'taking a break' than anything else these days. The problem is, most folks don't really know what taking a break really means, which leads to more heartache than I have time to counsel.
One reader summed it up for me nicely the other day: "Taking a break means not cutting ties to each other, but postponing the relationship temporarily to see where things are at." I like the definition, other than the 'see where things are at' part, because its vague and doesn't list specifics.
To me, taking a break means taking a step back from a relationship that isn't meeting one or both partner's needs, and reviewing how the relationship fits into their life picture over the long term. Its about re-evaluating or redefining the relationship without the stress of the relationship itself.
The problem with 'taking a break' is that few people actually define what it means for their relationship. Does it mean one or both of you can see other people, or do you not want to muddy the waters with more? Can you contact each other (like texting), or do you really take a break from interacting on all levels? When does the break end, and how will either of you know it? What outcome(s) are one or both of you hoping for from taking a break, and do both parties know it?
The only book I've read that tackles this touchy subject is one I've talked about briefly earlier this month: Don't Break Up, Make Up by Dr. Bonnie Weil (Buy Direct). In it, Weil suggests that couples she counsels take a break to save their relationship, and outlines specific requirements to ensure everyone's needs are met. For those of you currently taking a break, I highly recommend it.
But what about you? Have you ever taken a break? Why? What happened? Was the outcome positive, or worth it to you? Why or why not?
Related: Take a Dating Break, What Not To Do After a Breakup, Can You Break Up to Make Up? What Does 'Taking a Break' Mean? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Sunday, July 25th, 2010 at 23:04:31. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Reader Dating Stories - What's New
A roundup of this week's reader stories:
How To Recognize Love shared by Her Babycakes (Share Your Love Story)
"It had only been a peck on the lips but I felt like the luckiest guy on Earth."
Does Speed Dating Work shared by datingjoe (Share Your Thoughts About Speed Dating)
"By giving you fewer dates, for a longer period of time, the event worked much better."
How To Recognize Love shared by Kristen (Share Your Love Story)
"I felt so light headed like I was floating on air."
How I Knew He Was Cheating shared by Tara (Share How You Knew Your Partner Was Cheating)
"In the end, he got what he deserved, a nice slap across the face."
How To Recognize Love shared by crazy for you (Share Your Love Story)
"I feel crazy butterflies when I see him, he's the only one that is there when I'm with him, and it's just indescribable, a feeling some people would doubt."
Free Dating Ideas shared by Loretta Belle (Share Your Favorite Free Date Idea)
"Watching the submarine races" is the euphemism for making out with some soft music playing while sitting in your car."
Free Dating Ideas shared by SuzyScorp (Share Your Favorite Free Date Idea)
"We would love to stroll hand in hand as we walked along one of the many beaches to choose from."
Who Pays For a Date shared by Midea (Share Your Thoughts)
"I don't know what world you live in, but in my world men always pay, 1st date, 2nd, 10th, whatever."
Breakup Songs shared by joemauer13 (Share the Breakup Songs That Got You Through It)
" I also like "Walk Away Renee" by The Left Banke and "Breakeven" by The Script. " Reader Dating Stories - What's New originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 01:25:59. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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My 'Perfect Guy' Wants Someone Else Dating Question
Kristen asks: "For the past month I've been dating the perfect guy for me (who also happens to be my ex boyfriends friend...). Well he just told me he can't see me anymore because within the past week he has started talking to his ex fiance again! They've been broken up for 3 years and during that time she has been nothing but malicious towards him and done whatever she could to spite him! I don't understand why this is happening now?! He tells me how much he likes me, but that he's already been through everything with her! I want to know from your past experience, does getting back together with an ex work? Do I still have a chance with this guy?"
I've answered Kristen's question (see: My Perfect Guy Wants Someone Else), but I'm curious as to what you all think. Is there a chance of Kristen and her boyfriend getting back together, or is she better off on her own?
Related: Why Won't He Be My Boyfriend?, Is He Afraid of Commitment?, Getting Back Together With an Ex. My 'Perfect Guy' Wants Someone Else Dating Question originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, July 15th, 2010 at 20:15:19. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Reader Dating Stories - What's New
A roundup of this week's reader stories:
Definition of Pansexuality shared by Pantard (Share Your Definition of Pansexuality)
"To me, its about feelings."
Flirty Text Messages shared by ohhhhhboy (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"By special do you mean beautiful?"
How I Knew I Was In Love shared by Deanna (Share Your Falling in Love Story)
"He told me that everything he wished for he had right in his arms."
Flirty Text Messages shared by Amelia (Share Your Best Flirty Text Messages)
"Your tongue tastes like the sweetest and ripest strawberries..."
... and a few reader reviews:
Ashley Madison Review shared by Terry (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"With over 65 messages sent you think you would get quite a few negative replies out of pure courtesy and good manners. But not one..."
KissCafe Review shared by Armanali (Write a Review of Kiss Cafe)
"Its good site...and best thing about it its free."
Ashley Madison Review shared by Straightuphard (Write a Review of Ashley Madison)
"Consider it a bad internet strip club..." Reader Dating Stories - What's New originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 at 15:51:27. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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New Dating Sites for the Week of July 7th, 2010
Every week, dating site owners submit their dating sites to our database. Here's this week's roundup.
FleshPimp
Free adult dating site.
Interracial Socializing
Pay-per-use dating site focusing on singles wanting a relationship with someone of a different race.
Limenice
Bulgarian-language dating site, soon to be an international dating site.
Millionaire Cougar
Niche dating site specializing in rich women who like younger men, or rich men wanting younger women.
Amolatina
International dating site focusing on Latin singles.
Positive Dating Personals
For singles with a sexually transmitted disease, or those who don't mind dating someone who has one.
FussyOnes
Totally free dating site.
Ukrainian Brides
Matrimonial dating site for primarily men wanting to marry a Ukrainian woman.
Hit This Now Network
What looks to be an adult dating site with a strong social networking twist.
Military Hotspot
Niche dating site specializing in members of the military and the folks who want to meet them for a date.
Have you used one of these dating sites? Then review it! Reader dating site reviews. New Dating Sites for the Week of July 7th, 2010 originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010 at 14:40:30. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Can You Predict Being Single?
I receive a weekly newsletter from a Vedic astrologer by the name of Carol Allen. Vedic astrology, for those that aren't familiar, is an astrology system from India that is similar in some ways to Western astrology (houses, transits, etc.) but differs greatly in its interpretation and setup. Allen specializes in astrological love relationships, so its always fun to get one of her newsletters and get a whole new viewpoint about dating.
What intrigued me this week was Allen's opening line:
"Did you know that women who are chronically single have observable combinations in their charts that cause them to be and often stay that way?"
Fans of Allen's know that this is something she discusses often: that we all have markers in our astrological charts that 'tell' us what we'll struggle with and what will come easily to us throughout our lives. There's even a seven-year stretch in Vedic astrology that we all go through at some point in time at least once in our lives, where everything you try to do just plain doesn't work, and relationships are a struggle even under the best of circumstances. (read more: Cycles of Saturn)
But I digress. What interests me most about Allen's statement is that, she feels, we can predict being single based on our birth date, and a host of other information that spawns from that information. Allen even goes so far as to say in her newsletter that she can tell if a client is single before they meet face to face, just based on their chart.
A few months back I took a better look at Allen's system, and ordered the Single Syndrome package she's got for sale. Its expensive ($150 USD for the cheapest version), and I need to review the package fully here for all of you. But did it tell me if I was single or not, or what I struggle with in my dating life? Yes. There were quite a few calculations I had to do myself, but when I was done, it was clear as day where I stood relationship-wise -- and almost shockingly so in some parts. Allen also provides ideas on suggestions on how to work through any issues that crop up in the analysis.
So my question to you is this: do you think someone can predict being single based on an astrological chart? And, if singleness can be predicted, do you think its fixable if its 'in the stars'? Why or why not?
Related: Subscribe to my dating newsletter, subscribe to Carol Allen's newsletter, Why You're Still Single, Being Single and Happy Songs. Can You Predict Being Single? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, July 5th, 2010 at 14:12:10. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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Can Robot Love Replace a Partner?
I'm currently reading a fascinating yet disturbing book called, "Love + Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships," by David Levy (Buy Direct). In it, Levy discusses in great detail where the robotics industry started as well as where it stands now, and where (he believes) it'll be in about 40 years. I can't do his introduction justice, so I'll quote my favorite bit so far to explain:
"Robots will be hugely attractive to humans as companions because of their many talents, senses, and capabilities. They will have the capacity to fall in love with humans and make themselves romantically attractive and sexually desirable to humans. Robots will transform human notions of love and sexuality."
Before picking up the book, I wouldn't have even given robot love a second thought. But now, a few chapters in, and I'm learning more about the current robotic applications in our everyday world - such as robotic therapists with an unusually high success rate with helping depressed folks. As I make my way through it, don't be surprised if I share more thoughts and interesting tidbits, but in the meantime, I'm curious: do you think that robots will replace even some of our relationship needs in the next 40 years? Do you think people will date robots, fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after? Why or why not?
Related: Technology-Based Dating Sites, Strange Love. Can Robot Love Replace a Partner? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, July 1st, 2010 at 12:39:56. Permalink | Comment | Email this
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