|
During my many years of counseling couples, I have frequently worked with the
sexual problems that often occur in committed relationships. The most common
complaint from men regarding sex is frequency, and the most common complaint
from woman is lack of emotional intimacy.
There is a very good reason why these are the most common complaints – men and
women are very different when it comes to sex. The biological sexual drive, or lack of it, relates to how much testosterone is
present. Men biologically have much more testosterone than women. Men’s biology
equips them to be ready for sex most of the time, which is nature’s way of
ensuring the survival of the species. Women, on the other hand, often do not
experience a biological sexual drive unless they are in the middle of their
menstrual cycle. This fact can create a big problem in relationships. I’ve often heard men complain that:
“It’s not fair. My wife is in control of our sex life. If she wants it, then we
have it. If she doesn’t, then I have no say about it. Why does it always have to
be her way?”
“My wife complains that she needs to feel intimate before we make love, but I
get to intimacy through making love.”
“I don’t reach out for sex much anymore because I’m tired of being rejected, but
my wife says she wants to be pursued in a romantic way. This feels like a no-win
to me.”
“I think if my wife really cared about me and my needs, she would have sex with
me even when she wasn’t turned on.”
I’ve often heard women complain that:
“He always seems to be ready for sex, but I don’t feel turned on unless we are
feeling close. I can’t just watch TV all evening and then feel like making
love.”
“I often feel pulled on for sex, as if having sex is more important than caring
about me. When I do what he wants, I feel used, and when I don’t, I run into his
anger, resentment, blame or withdrawal. It feels like a no- win.”
“My husband often comes to me like a needy little boy, wanting me to pacify him
or validate him with sex. Ugh! There is nothing erotic about an insecure, needy
little boy!”
“There must be something wrong with me. I just don’t ever feel turned on
anymore.” The very real issue here, at least for most men under 40, is that they are
biologically motivated and women are mostly emotionally motivated. Heterosexual
women get turned on when their man is warm, open, caring, and personally
powerful. Most women are not turned on by a man who is closed, distant, angry,
blaming, or needy. The problems of frequency can get resolved as men and women learn to
understand and accept each other’s differences. Men need to understand and
accept that women are not as biologically motivated as men are. Many women
rarely even think about sex, while most men will tell you that they think about
sex frequently throughout the day. When men understand that women are turned on
by love, romance, emotional intimacy, warmth, caring, and personal power, then
men may be motivated to learn to be the loving, powerful and romantic partners
that women want and need. When women can accept that men’s biology is very present for them, they can
stop putting men down for it and start supporting their men in creating more
emotional intimacy, romance, and personal power. When women criticize men
instead of understanding and accepting them, they help to create some of the
insecurity that is such a turn off to many women. When a woman can appreciate
rather than demean her man for his sexuality, she can find ways of meeting his
needs without feeling used.
Understanding and accepting each other’s differences and needs can lead both men
and women toward more satisfying sex lives.
|
